My name is Salisu Chiroma, I come from Jigawa and I want like to share my Divorce Diaries with you.
I met my wife hafsah after my parents insisted that I couldn’t possibly travel out of the country without being mardied.You see I had given up on love a long time ago since my girlfriend of four years dumped me just after our university days to get married to a “ready made”,I was devasted because we had made so many plans for our future together,promises of waiting for each other till we are ready for marriage but some how these promises didn’t mean much to her because she was ready to marry immediately she found someone,conviniently blaming it on pressure from her family,forgetting over the years I had gotten acquainted with her family members, that’s a story for another day.
After 3 years of waiting, I finally landed a government parrestatal I gave it my all,I was working extra because that was all I had and for 5 years I was managing my life and whenever marriage topic came up I would tell them I wasn’t ready and that disturbed my mother because I was the only child.In 2011 I got a break,I got a promotion and also got a masters’s scholarship in Aberdeen ,this was such good news that when my mother insisted on helping me scout for a wife I agreed.
I met hafsah 2 weeks after spoken with my mum,she was my uncle’s neigbor,apparently I knew her when I used to go for holidays but she was little so I couldnt remember her and as I grew up I hardly visited. Hafsah was a soft spoken young lady,she was very shy and easy to talk with,we immediately hit it off and after 2 months, I did the official gaisuwa and we fixed a date for the wedding.Everything went well,we got married 7 months after we had met, we agreed that I would do my registration immediately after the wedding then start processing hafsah’s visa too.
It took awhile to get her visa but I got the visa and immediately called to agree on a date for her but unknowingly her parents were planning on a trip to umrah just around that time,infact they had already gotten visas,fixed a date and made all the arrangements,it was funny that I got to findout about the trip just a week to to it ,it made me feel emasculated but after awhile I reasoned that Hafsah really hasn’t started her married life so maybe that’s why she didn’t even think it was important to inform me before hand.
Fast forward to Hafsah as a wife,she settled in nicely she was very homely,she fussed about cooking as much as possible although she quickly found out I didnt eat much so we agreed cooking once a day was alright and since I loved tea she woud buy different tea bags and biscuits for me constantly.I was able to secure admission for her as hafsah had just started her first year in University when we got married.So she started classes from the next semester,at first she was not very enthusiastic about school,she said she could do an online school which I discouraged,she also complained that about the Nigerian girls there being snobs but she eventually settled down and became more serious.the first term went well and her results were impressive.
Our life went uneventful,I got 2 part time job just trying to make us have a comfortable life hafsah also searched for a suitable job that wouldn’t tamper with her school, we were happy, then the new session began and so did the drama,Hafsah now a more confident and more out going young lady started telling me about new Nigerian girls that transfered to their Class.One was a girl she knew in primary school and she was so excited about that,she would come home with one story after the other about the events of the day,she would chat excitedly, sometimes gossips about their life style and I would listen enthusiastically ,adding a few haba?,dagaske?wow!,
I didnt give it much attendtion until when Hafsah started forgetting her priorities,she would tell me they had to study and she would go out and not come home early,usually even during her exams she would, make stew then I would make rice or spagetti but somehow hanging out with her new friends was too critical,I pointed that out and she became defensive so I left her alone,from them she started asking me for more money than the usual pocket money,she started making demands saying she needed a better phone,a new laptop,an ipad and more,I have always been someone who was careful about money,I tried to save for our future knowing that we would need to have some savings when going back home,Hafsha didn’t take these explanations well at all,she would sulk and sulk and manipulate till she got her way,at least for the phone and new laptop but when it came to the ipad I put my foot down,I even offered mine since Ii used my computer more but she refused,she sulked for about a week then one later I saw her with a new ipad,I was beside myself with anger, I thought she asked her friend since according to her stories was rediculously rich ,I asked how she got it “baba ya aiko mun da kudin”.
This even pissed me off more,for some reason her parents are always in our life,I respect the fact that she was the only daughter and her father is also well to do but I also like my privacy and I like being in charge of my life.This became a serious fight because I insisted to return it to the store and she refused,usually I always gave in to what she wanted but this time i was adamant,this fight continued until Hafsah’s mother called,she apologized on her behalf and said they didn’t know what the money was for but that should allow her keep the gadget.I agreed and that was it, but instead of things getting back to normal it seemed that even triggered more drama,hafsah now felt she didn’t need my permission or approval to do things,she didn’t care to involve me in her plans,she would just come home with new items,shoes,bags and more when I asked she would say she saved up from her pocket money and then later claimed she got a job,what disturbed me the more was she was becoming somebody else or was she being influenced? ,she was no longer homely,she now suggested we get someone to clean twice a week because btwn her schooling and job she was not able to do much.Whenever I tried to talk to her she would tell me that she has grown into the person she wants to become,she would tactfully tell me I am miserly and selfish and so she needs to earn for herself.she would passively insult me and compare me to other people who are living large ,I basically became her enemy ,this went on for almost a year, I tried to get her mother to talk some sense into her but nothing changed sometimes she is her old self sometimes she is another person. ,
One day when she was her self.we were talking about securing admission for my PHD and also getting her master’s ,she said she needed a car because there was distance and she was tried of using train,she claimed that cars were not even that expensive we can manage a small TOYOTA even her friends had cars, ,I was speechless,I kept quiet for a while wondering how she comes up with these unrealistic demands then I finally just said no,that’s not a good idea,”haba hafsah,mutane suna managing rayuwa ne fa”,lets manage what we have, I have already bought land back home, I need to finish building it. .Hafsah was visibly dissapionted ,she started trying to plead with me saying baba can chip in which I said a capital “NO” to,I said that was the end of the conversation.
As usual my sweet wife sulked and sulked for about a week,one day I over heard her conversation with her mother telling her yo try harder and convince me, she did try again and again,and the answer was the same after 3 weeks of sulking,insulting me and calling me names,her mother called and tried to reason with me,claiming her dad can borrow us the money of course I said NO,shortly after that Hafsah moved in to her friends place,I just came home and she wasn’t there and she didn’t come home throughout the night,I called and her friend answered and said she was sleeping.I was very furious with her and I was tempted to divorce this spoilt brat but I calmed myself down and although I never involved my family in my issues I called my mum and asked her to intervene,that didn’t solve anything,infact that created an issue btwn our mothers,it turns out my mother has heard stories hafsah and her mother were spewing about how stingy I was .it was so bad we couldn’t eat 3 basic meals a day,these stories have been going round for awhile but my mother had never mentioned it instead she just called often and made sure my wife was faring wel, she finally addressed the mother and things didn’t go well.
After about 4 days of Hafsah staying at a friend’s and avoiding my calls, I called a truce,I sent Hafsah a message and asked her to come home because the fight was becoming rediculous but then the worst news came,Hafsah had had an abortion!!,she found out she was pregnant and although she knew we were looking forward to a child hafsah, for some reason decided to about our baby to get back at me,this made me beyond furious,I was so mad at her,I know I made it obvious that I was more eager to start having kids and I was aware she had been using birth control but after sometime I was able to convince her to let us give it a try but it seemed she wasn’t convinced.
I knew that I couldn’t continue with this marriage because this was betrayal.I didn’t even call to ask why, after I had confirmed this information, I quietly sent her divorce letter, she came back frantically begging, saying she was just mad that I won’t allow her get a car so she wanted to push and get her way, she wasn’t aware I knew about the abortion or the stories of my legendary stingyness.
I finished my master’s and left Hafsah with her friends, I later heard she got married to a very influential man and got divorced again,I just keep wondering if she was always this spoiled, self centered and materialistic from the very start of she just changed along the way.